The Grey Guff V

Seeking to rescue my mind from yet another self-inflicted meltdown, I once again find myself detailing in semi-cryptic prose the exact reasons for my latest 'rock-bottom' situation.

My body tells me when I should put fingertips to keys and allow myself to divulge whatever feeble issues are weighing me down. It does this by way of mouth ulcers, 7 of them to be precise, scattered generously across my tongue, on the edge of my lip and, my personal favourite, the massive fucker right up the top between gum and top lip where that sinew-like bit is. Talking is exhausting. Don't expect a smile. Eating used to be nice. Water is like acid. I put head to pillow and literally prey that by morning they are gone.

Brought on by stress, allegedly, I have long endured these little bastards, since the age of around 7. This current batch is without doubt the worst I have ever experienced. Usefully however, these flesh-craters provide a wonderful barometer of exactly how much stress I am currently under.

Allow me to list...
Jobless
Homeless
Penniless
Girlfriend-less
Parental support-less

Allow me to address...
Jobless - fruitless attempts to resume career in equivalent position elsewhere, dallying new owners of The White Horse who may or may not recruit me at all.
Homeless - living with parents, as a father, without a job, 26 years old, need I say more
Penniless - direct result of being jobless.
Girlfriend-less - my love is in Africa, where naturally I am hoping daily that nothing happens to her, that she is happy, but not so happy that she decides the character listed above is truly not worth coming home to.
Parental support-less - won't go into too much detail, but suffice it to say, being all of the above is disappointing for a mother who expected more from her golden boy. The friction here is obvious, unbearable and truly driving me insane.

Allow me to be thankful for...
A daughter who lights me up, brightens my day and makes me want to be a better man
A girlfriend who lights me up, brightens my day and makes me want to be a better man, even when she is the other side of the world.
A father who, after some struggles in my earlier life, has become nothing but supportive when I've been down.
A friend, who likes his space, who has allowed me to spend a lot of time in his space.

And finally, allow me to compare...

There is no comparison.

Without those I am thankful for, I would be in trouble, but so long as I have them, all the other problems are fixable.


I have spent most of my adult life trying to be strong, diving head first into situations that are bigger than me, putting on a brave face. It is clear to me that, I put myself in this position too often. It is something I need to address to avoid something like this happening again.

To summarise, I think this is as low as I have felt in my entire life, and there have been some fairly spectacular lows prior to this.

I may have to suffer the wrath of the mouth ulcers again one day, in fact I know I will, but for right now, and in light of this exercise, I intend to use them to inspire me to get myself out of this bullshit I have landed in.

Until next time, you tiny, raging, sadistic fuckers...

The Grey Guff IV

I once talked of reaching a place in my life, a crucial turning point, a choice to be made, that affected and changed my perspectives and altered my mindset. It is funny that I only seem to write when I find myself in this place again.